Letter of the Week: Amsterdam Security Agent

Last week I headed to New York for work. This was my first time in an airport since my trip to Norway. Going through the security checkpoint, I was reminded of my experience in the Amsterdam airport.

Dear Amsterdam Security Agent,

First I want to thank you for all the work you do keeping our airports safe and making everyone feel comfortable flying. I also want to thank you for making me feel uncomfortable by the methods used to keep our airports safe.

Have you ever heard the phase, "touch it once you're adjusting it, more than that you're just playing with yourself"? I am not sure how that translates into your language or if that is even a problem in Amsterdam (I am going to go ahead and assume it is a problem, especially in the red light district, but perhaps you just look away… or even look right at it, but I digress). My point is, I understand that if randomly chosen, I must endure a somewhat humiliating and certainly somewhat uncomfortable "pat down" to ensure I am not hiding weapons, drugs, liquids exceeding 3.7 ounces, etc. But did you really find it necessary to cup my tats twice? Once I can understand – they are on the larger side, they themselves could be used as weapons and I could in fact hide liquids exceeding 3.7 ounces somewhere in there – but twice? Cup them once and you're checking for contraband, cup them twice and you're just copping a feel.

But thanks for being the first person to feel me up in a foreign country. After spending 7 hours in your mall looking airport and trying to sleep on uncomfortable bench chairs, I needed a little… stimulation. While you were certainly an attractive security agent, my only hope is that next time you call over one of the foxy male security guards to cop a feel (for example, the ones that zoom around on the Segways – hot). This is Amsterdam after all – I am pretty sure anything goes.

Cheers,

Amy "Tats McGee" Ruud

(Original post 7/29/2008)

Letter of the Week: Creepy Garbage Picker

While I was spying on my neighbors this evening, I noticed a truck with a trailer stop in front of my neighbors house and remove some PCV piping and a three legged chair and it reminded me of this post. Enjoy!

Dear Creepy Garbage Picker,

Please stop rummaging through my garbage at 3AM, I promise you there is nothing good in there. I'll make a deal with you – if there is something that I think you might find the slightest interest in, I will leave it outside of the can in plain sight so you can just pick it up and be on your way.

And don't bother with the neighbors garbage either. If there was anything good in there, I already took it.

Best of luck,

Amy Ruud

(Original post date 10/08/07)

Letter of the Week: Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Last night I was disturbed to hear that mere days after your release from a rehabilitation facility as well as your 21^st birthday you were arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol and possession of a controlled substance. Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay… We all had such high hopes that your release and your willingness to wear a probationary alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet (mind you, this is was your idea and not mandated by the judge) was a sign that you were truly "cured." That you were making an effort to show everyone you're turning your life around and working hard towards a full recovery.

I understand that your assistant had just quit hours before your arrest. I know how upset I get when my assistants quit on me. But try meditation, or eating a cheeseburger, some French fries and a frosty. You really can't go wrong with the Wendy's Super Value Menu when you are feeling down. Lindsay, I am saddened and disappointed in you.

What happened? You used to be cute. I mean, I could pretty much stand both of you in The Parent Trap. And I hated you so much less than Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday. And although you were upstaged by the less controversial Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls, it is still tops in my books.

Lindsay, I am not so much concerned with your work, I am concerned about your well being… Although how will you promote "I Know Who Killed Me?" I know who killed you Lindsay – you did. Do you really want to go down the road that so many young celebrities have traveled? Sure it worked out well for Drew Barrymore (with the exception of flashing David Letterman and marrying Tom Green). And while Kurt Cobain, Biggie Smalls, TuPac Shakur and Chris Farley rose to eternal stardom and became household names after their untimely deaths – is that the life (or lack there of) you are striving towards? Eternal stardom due to death is not a guarantee. Look at Dana Plato and Johnathan Brandis (although I hear the dolphins miss him).

Lindsay, I am done feeling bad for you. I feel bad for those who still have faith in you and I feel bad for the thousands who girls who look up to you. I feel bad for the employees of your rehab facility who devoted countless hours to you and your recovery. I feel bad for me, who has to see your mug shot all over the damn place.

There are so many people who want to be famous, I used to be one of them. But if that means pulling the stunts that you seemed to have mastered then, in the immortal words of James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, "I don't want your life."

Sincerely,

Amy Ruud

(Original post date 7/25/2007)

This is the Place to Be

Welcome to Ruud Remarks. In an effort to get serious about being funny, I am starting this blog. Don't judge.

Since all of my creative engery was drained this week by forces beyond my control (work). I am going to start this blog with the first letter of the week that I wrote over a year ago and was first posted on MySpace.

I think the letter is pretty self explanatory.

Look for future posts containing new letters of the week, old letters from past weeks, random thoughts, things I've said, things I've heard and things I've observed.

Enjoy!