Hospital Diet: Facebook Should Give Me a Weight Loss Ad

When I was in grade school our “hot lunch” program was served to us in little paper containers covered in plastic. I had never been on an airplane at this point in my life, but this is what I imagined airplane food was like. In high school the cafeteria food was… well an improvement (I still dream of pizza sticks – which were essentially 12 inch long pizza rolls – but better!). And in college the cafeteria – which I only ate in maybe twice (I commuted to college)- had food served by a company that supplied food to prisons. After years of being subjected to what I can only consider to be food product (not quite real food but not quite fake food either) I was right back to somewhere between the airplane food and the prison food: hospital food.

I thought I was getting lucky when I actually got a menu in my room from which to choose my next days meals – like a fancy hotel –until I actually got the food. Couple that with the fact that I was totally doped up on morphine and that my mom had to spoon feed me and I was reaching for the IV bag fast than the pizza sticks sold out in high school!

And what made it worse? The fact that everyone who spent any decent amount of time with me in the hospital (i.e. my parents) all raved about the great food court/cafeteria the hospital had. And here I was stuck eating something described as turkey but tasting like tires. Needless to say after a few spoon fed bites I was done: "Nurse? Can I get another shot of morphine so I can pass out and let the hunger subside? And fill up my IV bag while you are at it – I still need nutrients after all."

By the time I left the hospital I had dropped 15pounds. Let me remind you I was in the hospital for a total of 7 days (2 days the previous week and 5 days for the surgery). And that was the best diet I have ever been on. Facebook should give me an ad: "How to drop 15 pounds in 5 days - guaranteed!" Not the healthiest of ways to lose weight and I felt a little guilty when someone said that I looked good or that it looked like I lost weight. I mean, it’s not like I did anything to contribute to it – except refuse to eat and ask for more drugs. OH! So that’s how models stay so skinny…