Mighty Morphine Power Ranger

So I am mostly blind and I’ve just had surgery. I have a contraption in my body draining fluid from my brain. And I have bruises all over my arms from various blood tests and ports to administer drugs – including one in my left arm and another in my right hand for my doses of morphine and steroids – I felt a little like Neo from the Matrix. Yeah, it’s all weird. It could have been a lot worse, I know this, but it still weird. So let me just recap you real quick…

By the time I got to the hospital I was mostly blind. My headaches were so bad I could barely move and they had moved into my upper back. I had a whooshing sound in my right ear. And in doing additional tests we found out I had palsy on the right side of my face. For those of you who do not know, palsy is the paralysis of a specific body part. In my case, it was the right side of my face. My right eye could not close fully (since I couldn’t see much anyway, I didn’t notice) and the right side of my mouth was droopy – which, in turn, caused me to droll while sleeping – which was so awesome! The funny thing is that my friends and I have a bit of running joke about a condition called bells palsy – a condition which affects the face specifically. So when I heard I had palsy on the right side of my face I could not wait to tell my friends. Pretty sick and twisted, huh? Yeah, just wait until you here what I did next… to my mom.

After the surgery and I after I finally regained full consciousness, I was back in my room. I felt great. I am guessing this is due to the massive amount of drugs in my system. But the day after the surgery I was a mess. I mean a mess. I couldn’t move, I was in excruciating pain and I was sick to my stomach the entire day – I couldn’t keep anything down. I am pretty sure everyone – including the nursing staff felt bad for me. I was such a mess even the amazing effects of morphine weren’t doing it for me.

Now, I must mention that the entire time I was in the hospital and even on morphine I was always lucid, always aware of everything that was going on. As a matter of fact, my parents were getting slightly annoyed with me because of it. More than once I would close my eyes and my parents would think I was knocked out from the drugs and they would whisper to each other only to have me interrupt a few minutes later with a, “I can hear everything you’re saying.” This went on the entire time I was there – and even when we got home. You would think they would have eventually realized I could hear them and at least the leave the room! But I digress…

So there I was in terrible pain and it was getting late in the evening. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep. Finally, the nurse got permission from a doctor to administer dilaudid – which is a pain killer ten times more powerful than morphine. They give me the shot and it starts working within a few minutes. Even with this powerful drug, I was never loopy or out of it and I heard my parents discussing staying overnight (in a small chair in my semi-private room and/or the waiting room) or going home.

Always wanting to make sure my parents – specifically my mom – is as comfortable as possible, there was no way I was going to let my parents stay overnight in the hospital and sleep in a chair or a couch in a waiting room. So I very quietly told my mom to go home and that I would be fine through the night.

My mom leaned over me, very concerned and said, “If you need anything, you just have the nurse call us, we’re only a few miles from here and we’ll be right over.”

I, being sick and twisted and always looking for a laugh or to at least lighten up the mood a bit, said, “Okay… and who are you again?” Assuming, of course, that my mom knew I was kidding. Apparently, she didn’t know I was capable to joking around while a drug ten times more powerful than morphine is pumping through my veins.

If only could have seen the look on her face when she said, “I’m Mom and Dad is in the hallway.” At this point a devilish smile spread across my face and I am pretty sure my mom was ready to smack me.

Later, my mom would make me retell this story and she would tell me that this little prank is the only reason she left and the only reason she actually slept that night. So I guess sometimes laughter can really be the best medicine – even if you are not the one who is sick.