Peripheral Vision: You Don’t Know What You Got ‘til it’s Gone

I have a peripheral vision FAIL. When your optic nerves swell (papilledema) your peripheral vision is the first to go. Unfortunately, there is no way to repair swollen optic nerves. It is literally a game of wait and see. Wait and see if the swelling subsides and the vision returns to normal. This can take days, weeks, or even months. I am 9 weeks in. It could be a few more months before anyone knows if my vision will be fully restored and if there is permanent damage. If there is permanent damage, it will most likely be to my peripheral vision. Hopefully it won’t be as noticeable as it is at this point. Peripheral vision is important – trust me. Not just for driving, but for every day activities. And I am learning this more and more as I am get out and about more and more. Here are a few example of how my peripheral vision has caused me to FAIL.

While driving with Amanda we approached an intersection where we were to turn right. Only Amanda wasn’t turning. After vowing to not comment or criticize Amanda’s driving (see post Parked Cars vs. Moving Violations) I said nothing and then saw the biker in front of the car – whoops. Did not see that coming! Something I probably would have seen had I had peripheral vision. So I can see why it is important for driving. Bikers have the right of way FAIL.

I got a ride into work with a co-worker on my second day back and we stopped at Starbucks. Since I am not a coffee drinker, I had to take a minute to check out the menu. My co-worker, James, was standing next to me and asked what I was getting. I mentioned a smoothie and then I paused. James walked away and I kept talking – finally looking over and noticing that James was long gone. Conversation FAIL. Without the peripheral vision you cannot see when people standing directly next you leave your side, thus making you look like an ass in the middle of Starbucks.

The same is true when walking side by side with someone or a group of people. If someone deviates, I most likely will just keep walking – and have. Walking FAIL.

In addition to the peripheral vision, I have little vision below my eyes as well. For example, look straight ahead and put your hands on your keyboard. You can still see your hands, right? I don’t. I can’t even see the ball of my nose – something I have seen my entire life. It’s a little odd. I kind of miss it. So imagine this, you are at an event being introduced to your sister’s boyfriend’s parents, being the cordial person that you are, you are making eye contact and smiling as your sister introduces you. If, while looking straight ahead you can’t see your hands on a keyboard how on earth are you going to see someone putting their hand out for a handshake? Introduction FAIL.

This is a great story. I was downtown for City Fest with the older sister and a friend. We were standing around chatting and I was, of course, telling a story. All of a sudden I looked down and there is an arm in front of my chest – grazing my boob. Now, they are large, I understand this and I am used to them being grazed, touched, brushed and in some instances, punched, but WTF? I look over there is this dude is standing next to me, WTF? I look around for a minute in complete bewilderment and awe and after a few moments he walks away. WTF was that? My sister, Jennie, starts laughing and says, “You had no idea he was there did you?” Um, no. So she explained that this guy came up to my right and was trying to give something to my friend who was standing to my left – thus reaching across me to get to her. I, of course, saw none of this. NONE OF IT. Warding off creepy homeless guy FAIL.

So now I have found myself adjusting in ways to make up for this lack in my vision. Walking slightly behind so I can see you, looking around me at all times so I know who is where and what is going on. This feeling is weird and challenging. Especially because I am not upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of frustration and hopelessness, but those are only moments and they are brief. I am just adjusting and taking this on and dealing with it. I’m not sure if it is something I will ever get used to. I don’t think I want to get used to it. But as of right now, it is something I am going to deal with and when I get caught talking to myself in the middle of Starbucks because I didn’t see you walk away I am going to laugh about it – because let’s face it, FAIL can be kinda funny.

(July 5, 2009)